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Top 15 Personal Favorite Jokes of AT4W
(Open on Linkara putting the lifeless Pollo on the shelf; he sighs) Linkara: We'll find you, bud. Don't worry. (turns to camera) Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. These last few weeks have been a bit rough, so I think it's time for a little levity. (starts walking across the apartment) Because it's the end of the year, I always like to spend this time being a little reflective. Sometimes it's on jokes that I should have made; [[Top 15 Screw-Ups of Atop the Fourth Wall|other times on mistakes that I have made]]. (holds up index finger) However, this year, I want to celebrate the funny a bit. (He walks over to his futon and sits down) Linkara: Now, I know what you're thinking: isn't this essentially a clip show? Well, yes. (pause) What? I'm admitting it flat out. However, we are gonna do things a little differently to keep it from being predictable. (Cut to black) Linkara (v/o): I'm laying down some ground rules for this list. (The following message pops up: "No jokes that rely on footage from other shows or movies.") Linkara (v/o): No jokes that rely on footage from other shows. So all of the Dr. Cox rants from Scrubs are out. (Cut to a clip of Dr. Cox on ''Scrubs)'' Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I care so little I almost passed out. (Cut back to the black screen, with another message popping up: "Only one joke per episode.") Linkara (v/o): Only one joke per episode is going to make this list. Otherwise, this list would just be populated by two or three episodes that I think are my funniest, and really, why not just watch the damn episodes again in that case? (The next message pops up: "Viewer suggestions must be included in the list.") Linkara (v/o): While all of these are favorite jokes of mine, I wanted to get some viewer input because after 160-plus episodes, I kind of forget a few. So we have some suggestions in here, and I'll point those out when they come along. (Next message: "I have to explain why I chose certain ones over others.") Linkara (v/o): I have to explain why I chose them, or at least something interesting about the joke. Sure, they're funny, but what is it about them that I like so much above others? And most importantly... (One last message: "No running gags.") Linkara (v/o): ...none of my running gags. That's right, no jokes that I've used repeatedly. However, because I know that will upset a few people, let's just get those out of the way first. (The Wurzels' "Combine Harvester" plays in the background during the following scene below...) Linkara: I AM THE GODDAMN BATMAN, which is nothing but death and crime and the Adamantium rage of a bees. My God. It just raises too much logic in what he says. Of course. Don't you know anything about poor literacy, (as Patton) you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK! (normal again) But anyway, let's dig into my Top 15 Personal Favorite Jokes of Atop the Fourth Wall. (A montage of clips of Linkara's past episodes are shown, set to "My Favorite Things" from ''The Sound of Music, before showing the title for this; this will be the interlude footage throughout the video; cut then to AT4W opening titles, followed by the title card, which also has "My Favorite Things" playing in the background. All of the countdown images are of covers from the reviews)'' #15 Linkara (v/o): Number 15: From "Amazing Fantasy #15". (Cut to footage of Linkara's review of this comic) Linkara (v/o): Since this one breaks the rules almost immediately, that's why it gets the number 15 slot. I love my "Amazing Fantasy #15" review, but if I had to pick why, it's because of the way the story lovingly points out just how messed up Peter Parker's life is, that his fellow students all hate him, he's rejected by women, and some people even want to run him over just because he looks dorky. Linkara: And with a life of being bullied, rejected by everyone but his teachers and relatives, you'd think that poor little Peter Parker would have... certain personality traits. (A clip of the review plays) Girl: Peter Parker? He's Midtown High's only professional wallflower! Linkara (v/o): And of course, Peter is sulking at the corner. Linkara: (as Peter) Well, better go plan my murderous revenge and then wait for Battlestar Galactica to be invented. (Cut back to the current Linkara) Linkara: There's something about dark humor in stories as old as this, which seem gleefully ignorant of that kind of stuff that I just love. Peter Parker lucked out and got superpowers, buuut if this were the real world... (Another snatch of the review plays) Peter: Some day I'll show them! Some day they'll be sorry! --Sorry that they laughed at me! Linkara: (singsong voice) I see a killing spree in his future! (Cut back again to the current Linkara) Linkara (v/o): And finally, if there's one running aside from "One More Day" that I can make about Peter Parker, it's just the truth about his existence. (One more snippet of the review plays) Narrator: And, as you know, they're a dime a dozen! But, we think you may find our Spiderman sic just a bit... different! Linkara: (as narrator) His life is a never-ending spiral of shame and death! (Back one more time to the current Linkara) Linkara: Oh, Peter Parker, the fact that you aren't in an insane asylum continues to baffle me. (smiles) #14 Linkara (v/o): Number 14: From "Strange Adventure #136". (Cut to shots of Linkara's review of this comic) Linkara (v/o): Robot J-9 was designed by the US government to be the savior of mankind in the event of a nuclear war. Linkara: (audio from review) Huh, bit of a design flaw; I don't think we can all fit in there. Linkara (v/o): I picked this one primarily because I like the wordplay. These old comics are ripe for material to make fun of; not just the bizarre plot circumstances, but just the bizarre general writing style. I don't know when comic books stopped being written like this, but if you actually look at a few mainstream comics from the '90s, many were still doing this, speaking very melodramatically in almost every sentence. Humor for them was derived mainly from puns or an occasional slapstick bit, but I can't imagine they were very funny to the audiences, who were more interested in the science-fiction aspect of this kind of stuff. In this case, it's the bizarre plan of a robot named J-9, who would save us all if only he had been built a little bigger. #13 Linkara (v/o): Number 13: From the Top 15 Comics I'll Never Review. (Cut to a shot of the cover one of those comics: "Batman #66") Linkara (v/o): This one is a viewer suggestion, but it's one that seems to have resonated with people. I wasn't expecting this to go over as well as it has, since it's just a single word, but I've heard that certain words are just intrinsically funny. Maybe this word, or the synonym for it, is just something that makes people giggle. Linkara: (audio from review) Boner. Boner boner. Boner boning a boner. Boner boner. Erect penis. (Cut back to the present-day Linkara) Linkara: What's funnier is that if I had gone ahead to do the "Batman #66" review like people wanted me to do, that probably would have been the extent of the episode. And really, don't we all just love boners? (smiles suggestively and bats his eyes) (The countdown starts again) Linkara (v/o): Number 12– Linkara: (interrupting abruptly, holding up index finger) Wait, wati! (grins suggestively) One more. (Cut to a clip of an episode of ''The Simpsons)'' Edna Krabappel: (rolls eyes) Bonerland. #12 Linkara (v/o): Number 12: From "Doom's IV #1/2". (Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover) Linkara (v/o): Numbers on comics get to me when they really shouldn't. I mean, it's just a number, an arbitrary identification that can be used for someone to order their comics and how to identify a new issue. That being said, something about stuff like this comic makes me grind my teeth. Now, an occasional issue zero I don't mind, but then you have silly concepts like a 1/2 issue, and then I just kinda lose it. Linkara: (audio from review, frustrated) I'm sorry, but what the hell is a 1/2 issue anyway? Am I only getting half of issue 1?! I mean, at least zero is a concept within actual numerical representation. I'm holding a friggin' fraction here! (Cut back to the cover) Linkara (v/o): I think what bugs me even more about it is that the number is kind of a lie anyway. Most standard-sized comic books are 22 or 24 pages long, so a half-issue should be eleven or twelve pages. (Cut to shots of the actual story) Linkara (v/o): Admittedly, the "story", if you can call one cyborg narrating about nothing a story, is twelve pages long, but the comic itself is longer than that, including the interview and the concept sketches, where we learn that the thing was supposed to be called "Doomons". (Cut to 90s Kid) 90s Kid: Duuuuude! Don't you get it? They took "demons" and then put the word (makes "devil horn" signs with his hands) "doom" in it! The only way it could be any cooler than that is if they called them "the dude-ons"! (Linkara stares at 90s Kid in disbelief; 90s Kid stares back, expression turning sour as he doesn't seem to get it) 90s Kid: You're a "dude-fus". #11 Linkara (v/o): Number 11: From "NBComics #1". (Footage of ''ProStars is shown)'' Linkara (v/o): Another viewer suggestion here, and a really good one. Of all the ill-conceived notions for NBC's Saturday morning lineup, I can think of no stupider than ProStars. (Footage of the title sequence for ''Chip and Pepper)'' Narrator: Chip and Pepper, two mild-mannered, yet bold and brave bulldogs, escaped into reality one day when a crack opened up in their cartoon! (The title sequence for ''ProStars is shown now)'' Linkara (v/o): I stand by what I said: ProStars is friggin' stupid. Three sports stars fighting crime with high-tech gadgetry is just bizarre, not helped by the insane technology they come up with. But there is one gadget in particular that made me go nuts... (A clip of the review plays) Bo Jackson: A laser bat! Cool, Mom... Linkara: (at a loss for words) Laser... bat... Wayne Gretzky: ...a spear-slinging hockey stick... Linkara: How about a gun? Ever just think about using a gun? It's probably more accurate and more easily reloadable than a hockey stick that shoots spears! (beat) Laser bat?! (Cut back to present-day Linkara looking over the comic) Linkara (v/o): I still don't know what the hell was so "laser" about this bat. It was an ordinary bat! Linkara: You can't just add the word "laser" to something to make it cooler! Oh, look! (takes out a deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards) My laser Yu-Gi-Oh cards! What's that? Aliens invading? Well, it's a good thing I have my (holds up a stapler) laser stapler! But I think what will really come in handy is my (holds up...) laser phaser! Linkara (v/o): Hell, the best you could argue is that it was a sonic bat since it seemed to use vibration in order to get them out of steel bars, but when you call it a "laser bat", I EXPECT TO SEE LASERS, DAMN IT! Laser bat... (Cut to footage of an episode of ''Doctor Who, showing the Master zapping the Tenth Doctor with a laser screwdriver)'' Linkara (v/o): ...not as cool as a laser screwdriver. The Master: Laser screwdriver. You have sonic. #10 Linkara (v/o): Number 10: From "Ultimatum #5". (Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover) Linkara (v/o): Sometimes, there's a disconnect between artist and writer. The writer writes something, scripts it out, and then the artist draws it, not realizing that what they're drawing is completely removed from the scene. This is one of those occasions where someone in editorial should have caught this, and I'm flabbergasted why nobody did. (Cut to one of the last scenes of the comic, showing a cloaked figure (later revealed as the Thing) entering Doctor Doom's lair in Latveria) Linkara (v/o): (audio from review) A cloaked figure enters. Doctor Doom: (audio from review) How did you get in here? Linkara: (dumbfounded; audio from review) Through the door. (a shot of the comic panel showing the door appears in the corner) The door that's right there. See the door? He came in the door. (rolls eyes) Everybody in this comic is either crazy or stupid. (Cut back to the current Linkara) Linkara: I think I like this one so much because it's such an easy thing to fix, such an easy thing to spot. This isn't like me ranting on the magnetic poles where they were just lazy. This is incompetence on open display, made worse by the fact that issues 4 and 5 came out a few months late. All that time, and nobody spotted that. Linkara (v/o): "Ultimatum": So stupid, it doesn't even know what a door is. #9 Linkara (v/o): Number 9: From "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive #3 and 4". (Shots of closeups of the comic series' covers are shown) Linkara (v/o): I've said a lot about the Silent Hill comics written by Scott Ciencin. There is so much wrong with them. But if I had to pick out a single thing that exposed just what was wrong with them, there would be one single line. No, it's not their lack of connection to the games. No, it's not the fact that they aren't scary. It's not even that the characters are unlikable, the plot makes no sense, or that the artwork itself is atrocious and ill-suited for a Silent Hill story. No, like with "Ultimatum #5", if I had to sum up what was wrong with these comics, it would come down to a disconnect between artist and writer. (A clip of the video plays) Ken: (narrating) There's a fire in the distance. Christabella: Pretty colors... Linkara: It's BROWN. Every color in this comic is brown! (Cut back to the present-day Linkara) Linkara: "Silent Hill: Dead/Alive". You might as well have dragged a bunch of blank pages through mud, because you'd have gotten the same effect as these comics. #8 Linkara (v/o): Number 8: From "The Fantastic Four in... Brain Drain!" (Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover) Linkara (v/o): Back with the viewer suggestions, this one seemed to get a lot of people happy, though, again, I'm not sure why it resonated with people so much; it just does. Maybe it just brings back memories of their own when they encountered this, but for whatever reason, people seemed to like it. (Cut to a clip of the video) Linkara: (looking through comic irritably) Who wrote this thing?! (He turns to the first page, displaying the credits for this comic, and notices that the writer is Tom DeFalco) Linkara: Tom DeFalco? (looks up, utterly stumped) Former Marvel editor-in-chief, Tom DeFalco? (stammers in disbelief) (Cut to a shot of a Windows blue screen of death, which temporarily stops the review after the comic apparently messed up Linkara's brain) #7 Linkara (v/o): Number 7: From "Rise of Arsenal #3 and 4". (Cut to a closeup of the third comic in this series) Linkara (v/o): When I moved out of my parents' place, I took three objects with me. I have no idea what compelled me to bring them with me, but it led to one of my favorite jokes I've ever made. (A clip of the review plays) Red Arrow: Need the heavy stuff. Got any China cat? Linkara: Um... (takes out a statue of a bunny) I've got a porcelain bunny. Does that help? Linkara (v/o): Even the dealer is confused about what the hell he's talking about. Dealer: China what? Red Arrow: The real deal. Heroin. Linkara: (excited) Ooh! (holds up...) Porcelain blue dog! How about that, Roy? You want to smoke this? (Cut back to the current Linkara, stroking the blue dog) Linkara: Of course, what might have compelled me was the fact that the dog was a gift to me that... I don't remember getting. I was probably too young at the time, (holds up bottom of dog to camera) but inscribed on the bottom, says it's for me from my great-grandmother. (An arrow appears, pointing to the inscription; cut to more footage of the review, showing Linkara holding up a porcelain squirrel) Linkara (v/o): In addition, the squirrel also has her initials at the bottom, so maybe that one was from my brother, I don't know. The best part: these were apparently hand-sculpted by her. The odd one out is, ironically, the one that's gotten the most screen time on the show: the pretty bunny. Unlike the dog and squirrel, her initials are not at the bottom of this one, so I don't know if she made it as well, but it's probably a good guess. Now, yes, I could call her and ask, but it seems like an odd road for a conversation to go. Linkara: (talking on the phone while holding the porcelain bunny) Hey, did you make this brown rabbit? (pauses) The brown rabbit I'm holding. (pauses again, then become embarrassed) Yes, I-I know this isn't a video phone. I... just wasn't thinking. #6 Linkara (v/o): Number 6: From "Warrior #2" and "3". Linkara: (smiling smugly) The Matrix Reloaded is a dumb movie. (Footage of the film's trailer is shown, but with a message covering over most of it, reading: "ENJOY THIS TEXT OVER THE FOOTAGE FROM THE TRAILER BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT'S CAUGHT BY THE CONTENTID!") Linkara (v/o): The characters are annoying, the acting groan-worthy, there's a little comic relief dumbass, the rave scene is utterly pointless and irritating, I absolutely hate the Merovingian and was hoping Trinity would put a bullet in his head in Revolutions, the action scenes go on for so long that they become boring, and the fight sequences lack the coolness factor they had in the first movie, if only for one reason: THERE WAS BARELY ANY DEBRIS. What's especially frustrating is trying to talk to people about the film, since I am one of the few people on Earth who actually really liked the architect scene. Linkara: Buuut if there was one other scene that I really liked from that movie, it'd be the one referenced in this review... (Cut to footage of the review of "Warrior #2") Spoony: (as Mr. Anderson) Awareness... by hope. ...By desire. ...By purpose. Linkara: Because as you know, Mr. Anderson, it is purpose that created us. Dr. Insano: Purpose that connects us. The Nostalgia Chick: Purpose that pulls us. Benzaie: That guides us. Bhargo: That drives us. LordKat: That defines us. Bennett The Sage: It is purpose that binds us. Linkara: We're here because of you, Mr. Anderson, we're here to take from you– (stops as he looks around at everybody in the room) Wait, where the hell did you all come from?! (Cut back to the present-day Linkara) Linkara: That alternate universe is weird; everybody spoke in Matrix quotes. It was downright bizarre having the Cinema Snob tell me to look past his soft cow eyes and see my enemy. And yet, it wasn't as strange when MarzGurl told me to do the same thing. Go figure. #5 Linkara (v/o): Number 5: From "Gameboy #1". Linkara: Atop the Fourth Wall, while not for little kids, does not often make jokes that are more risque. I like to think that I can come up with jokes without needing to dip into the realm of toilet humor or just being inappropriate... buuut sometimes, I indulge my more childish side. (grins) (Cut to a clip of Linkara's review of "Gameboy #1") Linkara (v/o): And because our friendly Herman has had a rough morning, he decides to help himself to another Game Boy! Linkara: What are you gonna do with two, use a link cable between them and play a fighting game so you can feel good about beating yourself? (beat) Then again, a guy with such a great personality as yours is probably used to beating yourself. (Cut back to the present-day Linkara) Linkara (v/o): What's funnier is that I make two jokes like that in the review. I was feeling naughty that day. I just like that one a bit more than the other one. #4 Linkara (v/o): Number 4: From "The Dark Knight Strikes Again Part 3". Linkara: I don't like Frank Miller. At all. (Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover) Linkara (v/o): He confuses me, when half the time it seems like he has genuine talent, especially his early stuff. But then he goes and makes one of the worst sequels, and really, one of the worst comic books I've ever read. Now, there are plenty of gags I could have picked, based on viewer suggestions – and there are a few of them – but it was a tossup between the joke I ultimately picked and where I explained the origin of a nickname I've given Batman in "All-Star Batman and Robin". But no, because I decided to leave out my sanity slippage moment, set to the tune of "Combine Harvester", since it's technically a running gag. Instead, we have this little moment when I broke... (Cut to footage of the video leading up to the breakdown in question) Linkara (v/o): Oh, goody, more satire: Superchix arguing, and there's a little girl and a little boy talking on the news! Linkara: (scarcely able to contain his anger) WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, FRANK?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS MINISERIES?!? (drops comic) WHY ARE THEY MAKING ME REVIEW THIS?! (lunges at the camera) '''WHY?!? SOMEBODY SEND HELP!!! GAAAAAAA–' ''(Suddenly, the feed cuts off, replaced by an Indian head test pattern, noise and all, accompanied by the phrase "Please Stand By"; cut back to Linkara sitting dazedly on the couch with his clothes, hat and glasses all disheveled) Linakra: You know, people often ask me how I can cope with such horrible comics. Well, it's all thanks to the help of Beppo the invisible monkey! (looks and points offscreen) Isn't that right, Beppo? (beat, then back to camera) Beppo says "yes". (Cut to a shot of the cover of a comic of "Superboy", showing the Super-Monkey from Krypton, as the present-day Linkara speaks again) Linkara (v/o): And for those wondering, Beppo is indeed named after Beppo the Super-Monkey. The Silver Age was weird. Linkara: And yes, Beppo the invisible monkey is still around. (suddenly looks offscreen) What's that, Beppo? (moment of silence, then Linkara laughs) Oh, don't worry, Beppo. Frank Miller's "Holy Terror" will have its day on this show. (smiles creepily) #3 Linkara (v/o): Number 3: From "New Guardians #2". (Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover) Linkara (v/o): You may have noticed that there aren't many jokes on this show on this list, if any at all, from my early days. It isn't because my earlier episodes are bad. Hardly. A lot of my recurring material comes from there: "Neutro", "Superman At Earth's End", "US-1", "Barkley vs. Godzilla", "Mr. T and the T-Force"... Linkara: However, in rewatching a few of them, I still think they're funny, but the quality of them is... different to how I am now. (Cut to a video with an earlier version of Linkara) Linkara (v/o): I'm a lot faster-paced, my editing is tighter, and I'm actually capable of projecting these days, as opposed to speaking at a whisper (low voice, almost whispering) at some points in those early episodes. (louder again) It's like comparing season 1 of Mystery Science Theater 3000 to, say, season 5; the first season is still good, but they haven't hit their stride yet. However, if there's one that I still grin ear to ear at... (Cut to a shot of Snowflame in the "New Guardians" comic) Linkara (v/o): ...it's "New Guardians #2" and the introduction of SNOWFLAME! Linkara: Now, frankly, any one of Snowflame's lines is hilarious and awesome, but at the same time, it's not really my joke if I'm just reiterating the glory of a supervillain powered by cocaine. As such, I went with one that just makes me laugh, though who knows if it makes any of you guys laugh. (Cut to footage of Linkara's review of this comic) Linkara (v/o): Snowflame orders the New Guardians to be buried. Snowflame: With all their personal effects intact! In my jungle we respect the dead! Linkara: (as Snowflame, looking offscreen) So don't put them into any humorous poses or anything– Steve! Steve, I know it's funny, but get his hand off of there! (Cut back to the current Linkara) Linkara: Sometimes, it's the little things in life that you enjoy. #2 Linkara (v/o): Number 2: From "Newmen #1". (Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover) Linkara (v/o): This one's not gonna be high up on many people's lists of their favorite jokes. The reason it's so high up on mine I'll explain after I pay the clip. Elemental: (audio from review) That being the case, then...perhaps you know of that devil, Proctor, and how he and his meddling group scarred me--branded me as a monster... of how the once proud Elemental was broken--made less than a man in the name of their perverted vision of justice! Linkara: (audio from review) Oh, boo hoo, we've all got problems! Linkara: Now, why is this so high up on my list? The entire reason I did that review in the first place was to make that joke. I am not kidding at all. (The comic's cover is shown again) Linkara (v/o): Part of the process of coming up with what I should be reviewing is flipping through some comics and seeing if there's any joke material. I almost passed on "Newmen #1". I didn't think it really covered any ground that I hadn't done already with early Image stuff, but then that scene of that "once-proud Elemental" comes in, and he waxes on about how depressed he is, and I just had to make a joke of disregarding everything he was saying. (Cut to a panel showing Reign, the guy who has pink bubbles coming out of his forehead, saying, "This is ''serious.")'' Linkara (v/o): I'm glad I did, though, because while I don't think it's my best work, "Newmen" certainly had a lot going for it in terms of joke value, including the seriousness of pink bubbles coming out of that one guy's forehead. #1 Linkara (v/o): And the number-one favorite joke I've made is from... "Ultimates 3 #1 and 2". Linkara: Technically, this one was a viewer suggestion, (holds up index finger) but only because I had completely forgotten that I had made it, (gently spanks his own hand) and shame on me for doing so. Sometimes, you look at the art in a comic, and you see exactly what they want you to see. Other times, you look at the art, and you come up with a line that requires several takes to get just the right intonation and volume down to make it perfect. (smiling broadly) And that, my friends, is this... (A clip of the scene in question from "Ultimates 3 #2" is shown...) Linkara (v/o): When Pym fails to answer her, Wasp reaches out and turns his head! (The panel shows Pym's face, dead, his mouth covered in... something or other and his eyes dull) Linkara: (gasps) '''OH, MY GOD, HE ATE TOO MUCH PUDDING!!!' ''(Cut back to the present-day Linkara) Linkara: And that's it for my Top 15 Personal Favorites. Hopefully, the coming year will yield more classic lines that people will enjoy, parrot, and want me to repeat at conventions. Come to think of it, what is first on the docket for 2012? (takes a look at his schedule) Let's see... Ah, "Marville"! (suddenly stops and becomes worried as he does a double take) Wait, "Marville"?! (drops schedule and rolls his eyes in frustration) Well, since this is a clip show, I'll just let a clip say all we need to on this one. (Cut to a clip of Phelous) Phelous: Oh, this is gonna suck! (End credits roll) There was more I was going to say about the blue screen of death bit, but then I realized I had incorrectly remembered how things went on it, so I cut that part out and left it just as the joke. Three years later and I'm STILL recycling jokes. (Stinger: 90s Kid is shown, with a panel from "Batman #66" in the corner, with headlines talking about "Wrong-Way Batman" and Batman's "Greatest Boner") 90s Kid: Dude, major boner! 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